Erin LeCount’s MACHINE GHOST, while not written about grief, somehow manages to perfectly sum up the way in which I experience it. Erin’s ability to put feelings into words and songs will forever astound me. This song in particular makes me sob, makes me feel understood in a way I have never felt.

The repeated line “it hurts to stand” is only the beginning of this understanding. It perfectly surmises the way in which grief can be debilitating, to the point of an inability to get up, to go about your day without feeling like you are drowning, like you could drop and fall apart at any given moment. To me, this line is all about the heaviness you are left with upon the death of a loved one, in my case, the loss of a parent. Fortunately, this is a very specific kind of grief that you cannot understand until you have felt it yourself, and it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Throughout the song, the line “it hurts to stand” is repeated, in the background, as the pre chorus. The song is haunted by this sensation of something so basic being so hard to undertake, and that is how my life has felt since the day my dad died. It is a perfect summary of what grief takes, and how it takes, and how it can ruin your life.

Following the first repetition of this line comes the chorus, which opens with “lights come on and there’s nobody home.” This line manages to describe me. the way I feel everyday of my life. I’m here, and yet I’m not. I wake up everyday, and yet I am a shell of the person I once was, grief and loss having taken everything from me. The person I once was is no longer. I am no longer ‘in my body’, I exist on the periphery of myself, watching myself exist, no longer experiencing it the way I used to.

The second half of this line, “my love pushed my back against the wall” is to me, the perfect description of life after loss. you have so much love to give, and no one to express it to, and so it starts to crush you slowly, trapping you. And after loss, the love you have is taken over by grief. Grief feeds off love, like a parasite, the more and the harder you love, the worse the grief feels, so it begins to feel as though you are stuck under this grief, with no way out, trapped by your own love for the person you lost, backed into a wall, blaming yourself for not coping “better” with your loss.

Verse two sees the line “this guilt is getting harder to deal with when I sober up,” a feeling in which I relate to all too well. When I spend too long thinking about everything and nothing, my mind turns to the last moments I spent with my dad before his last moments, how I do not remember telling him “I love you” before I went to bed, how I did not show him the extent of my appreciation for him and everything he had done for me. I think back to the moments where I would scream and shout and fight with him, and how my words and actions might have made him feel. Guilt surrounds my memories with him, and the more I think of him, the more I remember those low moments, and the guilt starts to consume me. It gets harder and harder to deal with each night, repeating the same things to myself; “he knows you love him”, “he loves you”, “he’s proud of you”, “your arguments did not define your relationship with him”. I begin to not believe any of this as time goes on, and the further we get from our last conversation, the more guilt I feel for not saying how much I loved him more often, and I struggle to deal with these thoughts, because there is nothing I can do anymore, I cannot turn back time.

The bridge is where this song really understands me, beginning with “trying to be someone, more than just their daughter,” a line that really hits home with me. Having moved to university only five weeks after the passing of my dad, I made it my mission to reinvent myself; to be more than just ‘the girl with the dead dad’. I did not want to just be a daughter anymore, I wanted to be someone. someone who had a life, ambitions, friends, outside of grief. The more time that passes the harder I seem to find this, because my life is defined by this loss, whether I want it to be or not. I will always be my father’s 18 year old daughter, whom he picked up from dinner with her friends, the night before her driving test, and whom he never had another conversation with after that night, because he never woke up the next day. I will always be that girl, forever stuck at 4am crying with her mother in their hallway, wishing they could go back to the night before. And yet, I am someone, I am more than just a daughter, I have created a life for myself, one I only dreamed of when moving to university, with the best friends, a course and a part time job I love, with the most supportive tutors and boss, and the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. I refused to let my grief stop me from becoming someone, despite still being “their daughter”.

The last chorus also sees a line that resonates with me deeply, “I’m not at the party and I’m not in my body.” This line represents, yet again, feeling so far removed from my physical being and surroundings despite being physically present, like the line “lights come on and nobody’s home.” It resonates so deeply with me because I have, so many times, been present physically, and yet, have felt so far from what is happening around me. All too often, my mind has not been where my body is. Grief has caused such a large disconnect between my mind and my body, that sometimes I do not realise how I got somewhere, what a conversation is on, or what is going on around me. It takes so much of me to focus, to be present, and this line surmises this perfectly. “I’m not in my body” is a perfect description of what grief has the ability to do to a person, and I would do anything to go back to how I was before my life was altered forever.

MACHINE GHOST is a song that is so important to me, and so close to my heart. It perfectly encapsulates the way in which grief has debilitated me, how it feels to live everyday with the heaviness that is grief. People say it dissipates with time, but I am not so sure that is true; two and a half years in and it only seems to be getting worse in everyday life for me. This song makes me feel less alone in my grief, even if that was not the intention. it hurts to stand. The line that follows my life, and yet makes me feel understood. I have yet to find an artist who is able to put into words so many feelings, so eloquently, that reach so many people, in the way Erin LeCount can. Erin LeCount is the future, and I hope to bear witness to it.

The link to the song that soundtracks my life:

as I sit in my first year room for the last evening, on my own, I have some thoughts about my first year of university.

i’m leaving this house a completely different person than when I moved in on July 1st 2024.

my first year of university (though technically it’s my second given I did a foundation year…) was a little bit insane. I made the best friends and lost some people who I thought would be with me forever. I cried, and cried, and cried some more, but I also laughed just as much.

When September rolled around I was so ready to get back to academics, university summers are so long and I was so bored by September. I was nervous about making friends, but excited to put everything I had learnt from my foundation year into practice with a sole focus on history. I had no idea what this year might possibly entail for me.

Here I am, 9 months later. I met the most amazing people this year, 3 who I think I would be lost without, and the rest of our group made me laugh beyond control, and gave me a reason to show up even when I felt like I couldn’t. thank you, all of you, for making me feel like I mattered. I love every one of you.

as well as gaining my best friends, I also lost two people I would have considered some of the closest people to me. one of which I believed for a while that my dad sent me, to look after me, to make me feel less alone in my grief, someone who understood exactly what I was feeling. We are no longer friends and I have absolutely nothing to do with her. and that kind of breaks my heart.

I am perfectly content not being friends but she was so important to me for a year, and then it was over. and I really struggled to move on after it collapsed, and I have my boyfriend, and my friends, both from home and uni, to thank for picking me up and letting me lean on you when I needed it most.

this situation changed me and I lost faith in a lot of things, and people I thought would have had my back, but I grew, and I moved on, knowing there were bigger and better things out there for me.

I fell in love this year. while it started mid 2024, I actually fell in love in this room. the room I leave tomorrow. I fell in love with the most wonderful boy, who has supported me even when he didn’t know what to do, who never let me cry on my own. He finished his own university degree this year, and with that he leaves York, but I am so excited to watch him blossom in his career. I'm beyond proud of him, and how hard he has worked to get where he is today despite the challenges he has faced. I love you so much, thank you for being my shoulder to cry on when I need it.

his family have also been wonderful. coming up to my exam in January I was so stressed and nervous, i’ve never been very good at exams (hence the foundation year), and his mum helped me more than I think she knows, and I am so grateful to her for that. they’ve celebrated my wins with me, always congratulating me and asking how I am. they’ve also helped me through some rough patches, like losing my best friend, and crashing my car. so to you both, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for your support. I love you both.

I am already bored out of my mind, and I am so missing my Thursday lunch times with my friends, and walking into town, and going to Nando's for lunch. I miss my girls already, and I miss everyone else too.

I owe so much of my first year also to my tutor. who has made me feel like I can do anything I want to. I owe her a big thank you for always letting me crash in her office when I feel like my world is crumbling. she has already helped me more than she will ever know and I bet she’s already dreading my first tutorial next year.

I also started a new role in my job this year, and it’s been the best thing in the world. I am a lot more confident, and I spend my weekends laughing and keeping rugby in my life in a small way.

completing a second year away from home, while grieving the loss of my dad shows me just how strong I actually am, despite not believing it at various points. I miss my dad more than anything, and I really struggled on his birthday this year, crying five minutes after my alarm went off and going to work, and then spending the rest of my day in tears. i’m so proud of myself for making it this far, and I know my dad is proud of me too, and he’s guiding me to the life I deserve. I love you dad, forever and always i’ll be your little girl.

I’m struggling to believe i’ve already finished my first year. I have had the time of my life this year, making new friends, visiting new places, endless laughs and so many tears. and i’m also struggling to believe that I overpacked again and now have so much stuff to lug home.

My first year has changed me in ways I never thought I would. it ruined me, it built me back up, gave me the best friends a girl could ask for, brought me closer with my family, gave me my boyfriend. and so, I am so grateful for everything that happened this year, the good, the bad, the ugly.

I am a different person to the girl that moved into this house nine months ago, and yet I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. so thank you, first year, for everything you have given me.

love always,

libby xx

A week today. a week today is June 15th 2025. It is Father’s day.

I am dreading this day with every fibre of my being. this is no longer a day of happiness and celebration for me, it has become a day of hurt and sadness.

When I think back to Father’s day two years ago, I see a completely different family. We were in Florida, having the time of our lives. We spent the day at Universal Studios. That was our last family holiday, less than two months later he was ripped from me. We were so happy, I had just finished my A Levels, I was moving to uni in that September, and this was supposed to be the summer of a lifetime.

Then I think to last years Father’s day, a day in which I spent the first half of at work, having to smile and shout and be happy for the sake of the children I work with. I remember the coach I worked with at the time asked me at the end if I was okay, I’d been quieter than usual, and the only thing I could come up with to say was “Father’s day” with a shrug and then I went home and spent the rest of my day in bed. My family had taken some of my dad’s ashes to Great Yarmouth, one of his favourite places, and I couldn’t go because I had to work. It was heartbreaking.

And this year, I’m going to be at work again, except this time, i’m the coach, i’m the one in charge, and so its going to be extra difficult this time around. i’m trying not to think about it too much, and it’ll be okay because I’m driving home that day anyway, but the thought of working next Sunday gets seemingly harder and harder the closer it gets.

Not only does this month have Father’s Day, it also has my dad’s birthday. 59. he would be 59 this year and it’s yet another birthday without him. so far, we’ve had my 19th and 20th birthdays, my brother’s 16th and 17th, and my mums 54th and 55th. we’ve got the rest of our lives without him and i’m not sure I know how to do that. I dread birthdays. I never used to, I loved them growing up, my favourite day of the year was my birthday, and now I can’t stand anyones. It’s not their fault, they just remind me that we’re all getting older and yet my dad will be 57 forever. stuck in 2023.

He didn’t see me pass my driving test, move to uni, meet my wonderful boyfriend or crash the car him and my mum got me for my 17th birthday. I know he’s with me, but I can’t talk to him anymore and that’s what hurts the most.

birthdays suck. overtime they should become easier again, but right now, I hate them.

June is a crap month and summer sucks for me now. all it is, is memories of what once was. June and July of 2023 were two of the best month’s of my life, and now I dread June, July and August.

i’ve lost some important people to me over the last two years for various reasons, but i’ve also gained a good group of friends, all of which would have loved my dad like my friends from home do. I have solid support and I know they’ve got me and i’m so glad I met them.

so, if you too hate Father’s day, or Mother’s day, or summer and birthdays, you’re not alone. if you spend significant days crying in bed, you’re not alone. if you spend random days crying in bed, you’re not alone. I see you, I am you. we will be okay.

I am going to get my dad both a Father’s day and a birthday card, and i’m going to write in them. he still deserves to be celebrated and so he will be.

Happy Father’s day, and happy birthday for this month dad, I love you, and I miss you more than anything. I hope i’m making you proud.

today, i’m remembering my dad. he was the best dad i could have ever asked for, even when we did not get on.

if i ever asked my dad to take me and my friends anywhere, the answer would always be yes. he took me and 5 of my friends to birmingham, to see the rocky horror picture show. he picked us up after school in a 16 seater mini bus so we’d all have room to get changed and get ready on the way. all my friends loved my dad. he laughed with us, took us all over, whenever. always giving me and my friends lifts and going out of his way to get my friends or drop them home. he really was the best taxi ever

i miss my dad. i miss him so much, but today, that gaping hole in my chest, in my life will be filled with love and remembrance for who he was. the kind of person i strive to be everyday. he is always with me, always there watching over me and i am so grateful to be his daughter.

i love you dad.

forever and always,

libby x

There’s a trend going around on TikTok at the moment, “I met my younger self for coffee today”, originating from Jennae Cecelia (jennaececelia on TikTok), who wrote the poem in her book “deep in my feels”. I’ve had this trend in my head for well over a week now and i’ve been unsure as to why. I am not one to write poetry, much less about my younger self.

I’ve realised, it’s been in my head because I push away my younger self. When I say younger I do just mean before 18. Before I lost the most important man in my life. I push her away because I miss her, I miss who she was and I’m jealous of what she had, what she took for granted.

I know I have grown inexplicable amounts since the passing of my dad, and I am grateful for the chance to grow and explore who I am outside of my small home town, but I do wish the majority of my growth had been on my own terms, not from a place of necessity. I know I will never be who I was before I lost my dad, and I have lost a few friends since and I can’t help but think, is it because I changed, or is it because they never knew me before? these sentiments are rather sad, because I know that my core is the same. I am her, she is me, and no amount of growth or grief will change that, but they do cross my mind nonetheless.

My first semester at university was fairly easy given what had happened 5 weeks prior to starting. I was determined to not let this tragic situation consume me and become me. I told only 3 people my whole year in a serious manner, 3 people. One of which was my tutor. I did not want to become the girl who had a dead dad. I wanted to reinvent myself at university. My first semester was full of fun.

Christmas came and went, I was home for over a month, the longest i’d spent at home since it had happened. I began to struggle here, and moving back to uni I only got worse. My second semester was full of tears, missing my dad and struggling to continue with my work.

A year and a half later, I think it hurts more now than it ever did before. The further away I get from my last conversation with him, the more I think I might forget him. To other people this may seem silly, for how would you forget your father, the man you lived with until you were 18, but it is a huge fear of mine. Will I forget his voice? His mannerisms? His face?

I’ve kept countless t shirts of his, they don’t smell like him anymore but they do make me feel closer to him…i’m not sure why but it does help. it’s like he’s with me once more.

They say time heals, but I don’t believe that. I don’t think I will ever heal from this huge loss and hole in my life. I do think that it may become easier from now on, I'm learning to cope, and I miss him, but I know he’s with me all the time.

Every loss since has just made me think of him, every big event in my life or related to family makes me think of him, and makes me miss him a little more.

My cousin’s wedding felt as though it was missing a huge personality for me. He should have been there to see his nephew marry the love of his life, to celebrate and get fed up of my complaining about my feet and my heels. We had such a good time, but there’s only one person who could have made it any better for me, and it’s my dad.

I see videos of women on their wedding day, being walked down the aisle by their father, or having their father daughter dance, and all it does it make me sad. it’s a reminder that i’ve had that experience robbed from me; I’ll never get to have a father daughter dance, I’ll never be given away by him. I never wanted him to “give me away” (I don’t really agree with the giving away of a person to another person) but now I don’t even have a choice, it was taken away in a split second.

Moments like taking my boyfriend home to meet my family felt wrong, he’s not met the best man in my life, and he never will. We’ve been to see my dad at our local rugby club but it is not the same. Knowing my boyfriend will never be able to meet the man who shaped me makes me feel like there’s a part of me my boyfriend will never be able to know. which sucks, given he knows everything else about me.

Is time supposed to make these things better?

I don’t think time will make it better, not at all. When you tell someone for the first time, they say “I’m sorry” or “are you okay?” and what am I supposed to say in response? “It’s okay”? or “no I’m doing awfully actually”? a year and a half later, I still don’t know what to say to these things, and I appreciate they are expressions of sympathy or empathy, but time has made it even harder to answer these; it feels as though it’s less impactful now it’s been a year and a half, it feels as though I should be okay now, but that’s simply not how grief works.

my boyfriend came up with an almost perfect analogy for grief:

It’s like a shopping trolley that’s with you all the time, it gets in the way, it’s too big and is tiring to have for extended periods of time. However, as time goes on, it starts to shrink, and becomes a basket, still with you, still in the way, but less so in the average day to day compared to a trolley. But every once in a while, something will remind you of the person you’ve lost, and the basket will become a trolley once more, and will be heavy and in the way again, before shrinking back to a basket.

This analogy captures grief over time. It’s always with you, and it might become easier to deal with over time, and you’ll get used to feeling this way, but there will always be something that reminds you of them…and then it all comes flooding back in, as if it’s that day you lost them, or found out you’ve lost them; the very height of your grief.

I miss my dad more and more everyday, and there are so many things that remind me of him still, I’ve still got a trolley in my way, but I know learning to cope is important in continuing my life, making him proud of me and everything I achieve in life.

The people we’ve lost are always with us in some way. you won’t forget them, I promise. you’ll remember them til the end of time.

reach out to someone if you need help, don’t suffer on your own, the chances are, someone knows exactly how you are feeling, and they can help you feel less alone.

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It’s Monday 24th February!

last week of February, which means it’s nearly spring! things will start looking up from here for me

my song of the week this week: perfume by Del Water Gap

So, this weeks highlights include

• my cousin got married!

• I got to spend time with family

• had some cat cuddles

• my mum bought two dachshund puppies (still yet to meet them)

• spent some time with my boyfriend’s family

this week started such a good week!! I had so much fun and had a pretty free weekend because I wasn’t working, meaning I was able to spend time with my boyfriend and his family.

On Monday I travelled home from York for my cousins wedding the following day, we drove to Buckingham to our hotel and had a right laugh all night.. was so much fun

Tuesday was the day of the wedding!! we spent all day laughing, drinking, eating and feeling so much love. It was a truly beautiful day for my beautiful cousin and his wife. I don’t think the day could have gone any better and I looked fairly good myself which is always fun when I don’t get the chance to dress up all that often

Wednesday I drove back up to York, and my brother and my mum went to pick up our beautiful babies, Luna and Milo (picture of them at the end), and then my mood dropped. I was sad I wasn’t able to see our puppies for another 7 weeks, as I don’t have the chance to go home, and despite having been with family for the past two days, I felt a bit homesick. I wanted to go home and just chill with my mum and my brother, I missed my dad, and I did not want to go into uni at 9am the next day until 5:30pm.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling a lot better, spending the dat at university, seeing my friends for the first time in a week. I had such a wonderful day with them

Friday I got up and went into the library at 9am to write up lecture notes my friend had sent me from the lectures I had missed that week, I also had a meeting with my academic tutor because I had a grade I wasn’t overly pleased with, and chatting with her always makes me feel better. In the evening my boyfriend and I went to see The Importance of Being Earnest by the National Theatre Live in the cinema. It was truly wonderful. It is one of my favourite plays, and has a special place in my heart from theatre studies at A Level.

Saturday is when things went a bit wrong… my boyfriend and I drove to his grandparents in the afternoon after a slow morning, and after spending some time with them we were driving to his parents to watch the England vs. Scotland 6 nations match, but unfortunately on our way we crashed into a big boulder, resulting in my car going to the scrapyard. This was quite a large boulder and resulted in the front of my car being seriously damaged and our airbags going off, resulting in my poor car going to the scrapyard. I am forever grateful to my boyfriend’s parents and grandparents for all their help on Saturday, I was an absolute mess for hours and they took care of quite literally everything.

It was quite possibly the most terrifying moment of my life and I am so grateful that we were only 5 minutes from my boyfriends grandparents and 10 minutes from his parents, and that they were able to drop everything to come to our rescue. I was in a serious panic and they were incredibly helpful, especially considering I know very little about my car in general! I was mortified that they would think differently of me because of this but I have been assured they are just glad we are both okay!

We went back to my boyfriend’s parents Saturday evening and ordered a takeaway and got comfy for the evening, which was exactly what I needed.

Sunday saw us meet up with one of my boyfriend’s childhood friends and his partner, and we went bowling (which I lost…) and then my boyfriend’s parents were kind enough to drive us back to York, and I spent the night at my boyfriend’s house.

It was a super good week with a rather heartbreaking end. Saying goodbye to my car has been difficult, and i’m still coming to terms with it. My little fiat was very sentimental to me, for it was my mum and dad that bought me the car, for my 17th birthday. My dad was desperate for me to drive, and he never saw me pass my test. Despite that, I know that he is with me, and I'd like to think that he’s the reason no one was injured on Saturday. The only injury aside from my car in the scrapyard is my pride and ego, but i’ve been soothing that since and all is okay.

we’ve been on the hunt for a new car and I think we’ve found one, I am in need of a car to get to work on the weekends so it’s been a quick turnaround but it does mean that if my car is being brought up to me on Friday, the puppies will also come up… I’ll finally get to meet them!!! (picture below)

I hope your week was a little less chaotic than mine, i’ll hopefully have another post up this week about the topic of grief.

have a wonderful week everyone

remember to tell your loved ones that you love them!

it’s Friday, 14th Feb. Valentines day!

so first off, happy valentines day to you all! I hope you had a wonderful day celebrating your loved ones.

my track of the week: Silver Spoon by Erin Lecount

highlights from my week:

• This week I went back to university after Christmas (finally!!!), and I enjoyed my classes.

• started writing on here

• I got to spend lots of time with my group of friends at university which was super fun and freeing

• I laughed so much

• I spent valentine’s day celebrating the love of my life!

this week was full of highs for me, my first week of classes, three new modules with my friends, starting writing on here and finally feeling like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at this point in my life.

Monday saw my first lecture, and the first time I’d seen any of my friends since 22nd January so that was absolutely wonderful, and I spent the afternoon looking after my boyfriend who was ill.

Tuesday meant my second lecture of the week, this time from what I believed to be my favourite module (I was right… it’s so much fun). we got to see a lecturer that will be teaching us this semester, but we hadn’t seen much of last semester. I spent the rest of the day in the library doing seminar prep (and talking.. and talking…) with two of my friends, and that night I wrote my first post!

Wednesday saw my final lecture of the week, which was an interesting one! then I went to support my university’s rugby team at our rugby game against the other university in York, and we won 61-0. I am so beyond proud of those girls and all they’ve achieved this last year, we’ve come so far as a team!

Thursday meant an early morning at university, getting there for 9am so I would have time to do my seminar reading before my first class at 10:30. I was in university until 5:30?! 3 classes, all 3 requiring a lot of brain power… I was super tired by the end of the day. My second class was by far my favourite, and I think i’m going to get on really well with our lecturer.

and now we get to Friday! Spent last night at my boyfriend’s, and we gave each other our gifts for valentines day this morning before he left for university. I attempted once more to get tickets to Erin LeCount’s first headline show, but I was unsuccessful.. looking on the bright side though I know our path’s will cross one day, and I will get my chance to see her perform in person! I spent the afternoon working on next week’s seminar readings (i’ve got a busy and fun week next week!!) before getting ready for dinner with my boyfriend before spending the night at my house so i’m able to get up for work in the morning.

Valentine’s day is a big reminder for me that it is such a privilege to celebrate the love I feel for so many people around me. getting to spend my evening with the love of my life reminds me of those i’ve lost, and who’s love I still feel around me, as well as how much love I still have left inside of me for them, unable to express it to them any longer. Tell your people you love them, not just today, but everyday. why limit your expressions of love?

One of my favourite artists, before singing one of her songs, has this little speech about love, i’ll share part of it here; “love is the one thing that has no currency, you can definitely underspend it but you can’t over spend it, and tomorrow is never promised.” Rachel Chinouriri, the woman that you are.

This speech made me come to terms with the fact that one day, the people we love will no longer be here, and we should show them that we love them all the time, not only on one day of the year.

Spend your love, don’t save it!!

I hope everyone has had a wonderful week, here’s to the next.

see you in the next post :)

Hi, I’m Libby, a first year undergraduate student studying history in York.

How did I get here?

For years upon years I’ve wanted to be a writer, even if it was alongside being some kind of a teacher. I have dreamed about being one of those girls who could so perfectly articulate their emotions and use big words writing their blogs without any kind of shame, and after my second lecture of my second semester I finally decided to start.

I have an all consuming passion for history. It is everything I have ever wanted, and yet, I have never truly been good at essay writing; something that is a requirement for history as a subject. At GCSE level, the highest grade I achieved was a 6; at A Level only a C. My A Level results meant I had to take a foundation year to do my dream subject at my dream university, and even now, two years into my university career, I am still average. All I have ever been is average, and I am tired of it. I have never excelled at anything in particular like my friends, and so I resigned to being average.

However, it is the start of a new semester. Three new modules, and a continued burning passion for my subject. So, I have decided that this will be the semester I am no longer average. I will excel this year.

My lecturers mentioned a chance to write a blog post on one of my modules in today’s class, and since the words left my lecturer’s mouth I have not stopped thinking about them. And so we find ourselves here, at 9:50pm on a Tuesday night.

My page will consist of posts about my life in York, my experiences as a student, different historical topics, and grief.

The last theme is something that has consumed my life for the last three years now, it started small, and has only grown since. In 2022, my family lost our beloved Beagle, Obi. This was the first time I’d lost a pet, and it hit me hard. Obi was my best friend in the whole world, he was the dog that allowed me to conquer my fear of the animal.

Obi’s departure from this world was shortly followed by my dear grandma, who we lost a mere 6 weeks later. It was an unexpected loss, just like that of my dog’s. While dealing with the grief that followed my beloved pet’s death, I had to learn how to cope with the loss of my grandma. I was coming to the end of my first year of sixth form, and so I was able to learn to cope in the safety of my own home during summer, and for that time I am forever grateful. That time allowed me to discover my way of processing grief, and how I would cope with the loss of people dear to me in the future.

Still coping with these two heartbreaking losses, we’ll skip forward to 2023. The best summer of my life. supposedly. I had just finished my A Levels, returned from a once in a lifetime trip to Orlando, Florida to go to DisneyWorld and Universal Studio’s with my family. I had a holiday to Lisboa, Portugal booked with my best friend at the very end of August, a last hurrah before we moved to university. The best summer of my life. I had my third driving test booked for August 10th, and I was so sure I would pass this time around. I woke up around 4am to go to the toilet, only, I was met with some commotion, including some paramedics in my parent’s room, and my mother’s tears. My father had passed. The first thing I did was text my best friend. The following 48 hours were a complete blur. 5 weeks later I moved across the country to university.

Since that moment at 4am on August 10th 2023, I have been dealing with the impending feeling that my life is over. My foundation year was overshadowed by the shock of my father’s passing, and my inability to process it. The loss of both my grandma and my dog allowed me to figure out what worked for me when it came to processing grief, but there is absolutely nothing that will ever prepare you for the loss of a parent at a young age.

I have seen my younger brother and my mother struggle with this loss for nearly two years now, and I want nothing more than to take away their pain. In fact, I want to take away the pain of both my older brothers, and my nieces, and my nephews, who will all grow up with only memories of their incredible grandad. Being so far away from home while they grow up and learn to cope and take my father with them is a kind of difficult that is incredibly hard to articulate. I want nothing more than to be with them as much as possible, and to shower my family with love. Be that as it may, I also want to fulfill my dreams of moving away from home and finding a life for myself outside of my town, a place that no longer truly feels like home. These conflicting feelings, I’m sure, will be with me for the rest of my life.

This is who I am. I am 20, I am an undergraduate history student in York, and I am a reflection of my father, who’s passing has shaped me into who I am today, and will continue to shape me for the entirety of my life.

This page will see me through my degree, and hopefully into the unknown future. welcome to my life!

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