June...
what a crap month
A week today. a week today is June 15th 2025. It is Father’s day.
I am dreading this day with every fibre of my being. this is no longer a day of happiness and celebration for me, it has become a day of hurt and sadness.
When I think back to Father’s day two years ago, I see a completely different family. We were in Florida, having the time of our lives. We spent the day at Universal Studios. That was our last family holiday, less than two months later he was ripped from me. We were so happy, I had just finished my A Levels, I was moving to uni in that September, and this was supposed to be the summer of a lifetime.
Then I think to last years Father’s day, a day in which I spent the first half of at work, having to smile and shout and be happy for the sake of the children I work with. I remember the coach I worked with at the time asked me at the end if I was okay, I’d been quieter than usual, and the only thing I could come up with to say was “Father’s day” with a shrug and then I went home and spent the rest of my day in bed. My family had taken some of my dad’s ashes to Great Yarmouth, one of his favourite places, and I couldn’t go because I had to work. It was heartbreaking.
And this year, I’m going to be at work again, except this time, i’m the coach, i’m the one in charge, and so its going to be extra difficult this time around. i’m trying not to think about it too much, and it’ll be okay because I’m driving home that day anyway, but the thought of working next Sunday gets seemingly harder and harder the closer it gets.
Not only does this month have Father’s Day, it also has my dad’s birthday. 59. he would be 59 this year and it’s yet another birthday without him. so far, we’ve had my 19th and 20th birthdays, my brother’s 16th and 17th, and my mums 54th and 55th. we’ve got the rest of our lives without him and i’m not sure I know how to do that. I dread birthdays. I never used to, I loved them growing up, my favourite day of the year was my birthday, and now I can’t stand anyones. It’s not their fault, they just remind me that we’re all getting older and yet my dad will be 57 forever. stuck in 2023.
He didn’t see me pass my driving test, move to uni, meet my wonderful boyfriend or crash the car him and my mum got me for my 17th birthday. I know he’s with me, but I can’t talk to him anymore and that’s what hurts the most.
birthdays suck. overtime they should become easier again, but right now, I hate them.
June is a crap month and summer sucks for me now. all it is, is memories of what once was. June and July of 2023 were two of the best month’s of my life, and now I dread June, July and August.
i’ve lost some important people to me over the last two years for various reasons, but i’ve also gained a good group of friends, all of which would have loved my dad like my friends from home do. I have solid support and I know they’ve got me and i’m so glad I met them.
so, if you too hate Father’s day, or Mother’s day, or summer and birthdays, you’re not alone. if you spend significant days crying in bed, you’re not alone. if you spend random days crying in bed, you’re not alone. I see you, I am you. we will be okay.
I am going to get my dad both a Father’s day and a birthday card, and i’m going to write in them. he still deserves to be celebrated and so he will be.
Happy Father’s day, and happy birthday for this month dad, I love you, and I miss you more than anything. I hope i’m making you proud.